what you didn't know about the 3rd child.

So, I'm going to write this post as if I am sharing something that is true to all of us. I'm going to say "you" a lot, so it makes me feel like this is a common thing, and not just me! And, these are things I am learning with #3-- perhaps for you you learned them on #1... or won't feel this until kid #5... But, at some point, I think all mommas of multiples get these feelings! Also, my third is 6 months old. I'm sure I'll be writing a whole 'nother post when she is six years old!

People probably tried to tell me these things, but some things must be experienced to be understood... so, without further delay, here are "20 Things To Know for #Three":

1. No matter how many children you have, a new baby is still a new baby. Somehow people will think you're this child expert by number three, and will back away from you. "Oh, you already know this... Oh, you don't need any help... Oh, you're a pro..."

Um. No. Actually, no matter how small the human... he or she is still a human, having arrived with their personality already present... The first weeks are not only weeks of recovery, they are also weeks of getting to know this new little person who arrived to your home. The baby is getting to know you, too... Getting to know your cues, your touch, your ways... It's a lot! So, no matter what number, we are all still starting over. And it's still overwhelming!

2. With the third, you will feel pressure to get it all perfect. You won't. Somehow it seems that the pressure/guilt is more with the third... Even when people say things like, "Oh, honey. Don't work so hard. Just relax and soak in this time with your babies"--it can feel like a guilt attack... Because, yes. That sounds really nice. But, hello!? Who's going to keep things going if I "sit and soak"? (PS: If you really want a new momma to feel relaxed and joyful, please don't say that line to her. Say something like, "Hey, can I swing by and hold your baby for you for a while? Or order you a pizza? Or take your big kids to the park?" That will actually alleviate some pressure, instead of adding some.)

3. There will be a season of time (let's say around week 4 of life--right when the baby is getting really needy)... that you will lay awake at night. Panicking. How will you do this? You didn't even get a shower today! Did you even talk to your oldest? Did we do dinner? What's happening???!

4. When people talk about how easy/great it is to have large families--they often smile from a lofty pinnacle of wisdom and say: "Remember, love multiplies... It doesn't divide." Uh, yeah. But, they forget about that whole time thing. Love multiplies... but, time on the other hand. It breaks, fractures, dissipates.

I remember that with Noe and Aleni, I felt like time dragged on and on... I often doubted if I had the fortitude to make it to lunch time--let alone until the end of the day. Now, I felt like I woke up... did a lot of things while accomplishing nothing... and then, five minutes later, the day was over. The days literally flew by, leaving me blinking and wondering what had just happened? And, breathless knowing that another day loomed ahead of me, just hours away.

5. You now live in the land of the "trade-off". You can't do it all anymore. So, activities become divided up into tiers. The activities shift up or down to different tiers as time changes... for now, my tiers are shaking out a bit like this:

Tier One: Necessary for Daily Life
-Feeding hungry tummies
-Generally straightening our living area
-Laundry (Washing/Drying)
-Baths
(and, most days, especially at the beginning--THAT takes ALL.DAY. Doubt me if you will.)

Tier Two: Possibly get done Every Day
-Fun times with kids
-Actual time with Rey
-Putting laundry away
-Preparing good food (not just whatever I can grab/order pizza)
-Makeup/Hair
-Kid's homework

Tier Three: Would Love to Get to Every Day
-Exercise
-Organize/deep clean anything

Tier Four: Fun Extras (aka: Insert Giggles Here)
-Date Nights
-Hobbies
-Find clothes that don't smell like poop/spit up
-Chat/correspond with friends

So, eventually you learn to only expect tier one from yourself... to pat yourself on the back if you make it to tier two... to feel like supermom if you make it to tier three... and to think you won the lottery if tier four happens.

6. Not the same, but related: You will find you have a fast-forward mode you now live in. Slow and steady no longer wins the day. You also possess a turbo mode, for special occasions.

7. Again, the time thing. I'm telling you: Don't get behind! (snicker) I know, right? But, really. Try to pick up as you go, stay up late to get those dishes washed, wake up early to get the clothes laid out. You will thank me.

8. Also, equally but seemingly impossibly true: There's no such thing as "Getting ahead on your chores" or "Getting a jumpstart" on tomorrow.

Here's an example.
I recently stayed up way late, waiting for the last load of laundry to finish drying so I could put it away. I felt I had accomplished to impossible that day: I had really cleaned EVERY room in the house and was moments away from having washed, dried, folded and stored every piece of dirty laundry in the house.

I fell into bed, feeling full of happy thoughts and big hopes for an awesome day to come. Of course, that night one child wet the bed, the other crawled into bed with us after a bad dream and the baby decided to be awake from about 1-3 am... and then to be up for the day a little after 5 am.

So, kiss that notion of getting ahead goodbye. Just focus on #6. Whisper to yourself: "Keep on swimming" and that's about the best you can do!

9. Milestones will fly by. You will hear yourself saying, "How is it possible that you are already rolling over/scooting/ready for solid foods...? I just birthed you yesterday!"

I remember with Noe and Aleni, I was glued to the "What to Expect" book and analyzing their every "shortcoming" or seemingly advanced ability. I haven't even checked those lists this time. Oops.

10. You will become more choosy about "mom events".

With the first two, I was all, "Get me outta here! What? You have something for moms.... with childcare?? I don't need to know you. It's ok. I'll just sit here and stare at the wall!" Now, I'm more like, "What? Get everyone out to the van by a certain time? Pack up all the gear, get them all dressed and out the door--hopefully between spit ups and blow outs?? No, thanks. We're fine."

I'm even, sadly, more picky on just mom outings... "Fondue? When I could deep clean the front closet? Or even...." *sacred whisper* "...sleep????"

11. I used to think that the more kids you have, the more mellow you become. I now think that the more kids you have, the more it shines a spotlight on your natural tendencies and your personality. And, that either you will like what is now magnified for all to see, or you will be forced to re-evaluate and tweak what comes natural to you into what works for now.

Just for fun, let's use me as an example. I tend to be a more spontaneous, wait-till-the-last-minute, meandering type. It may surprise you to learn that it is not working out to well for me to stay that way now that I have 3... with 2 being in different schools with different schedules... and with the baby needing her naps and feedings to happen also. This momma is having to figure out a more planned-out, quick-moving existence. For now. ;)

12. There's a reason "The 3rd baby is always so laid back". Because they have no choice! From day one, they are dragged anywhere and everywhere... at the dictate of the older siblings. They have to learn to sleep when and where they can, put up with loud noises, crazy play and lots of time in the car.

13. Perfect family/sibling pictures are a thing of the past. For some reason, you can get perfect pictures of two children. Something about having more than two in a picture just guarantees that at least one will have an expression suggesting the need for an immediate intervention by a trained therapist.

14. Second-guessing what works for your family or letting yourself settle into mom guilt will rob your now of its joy.

15. Remember this: Nothing you do today will have any permanence (think: cleaning floors, feeding hungry mouths, organizing closets). . . EXCEPT for the time you took to stop and love on those closest to you.

16. You will--perhaps for the first time ever--amaze yourself.

There's something about doing everything the third time that really presses it into your memory. You see yourself getting down on the floor with your older two during your last weeks of pregnancy, and marvel at your resolve to be present and show love even though your body is screaming at you. You see yourself birth your child--again--and are amazed that, even though you knew what was coming, you did it again. You see yourself taking on the housework... getting kids to school... when just days ago you were in a bed bringing life into the world. Yet, you are able to do it because you want to be strong for your husband and be strong for your family. You see yourself pulling yourself out of bed time and time again to quiet a screaming infant, although you have not once rested throughout the day, and are amazed at the power of your will. You are amazed at your strength, your resolve, your love, your capacity--the richness of your life. And, maybe--for the first time ever--you will start to be okay with admitting your own amazingness. (*Yes, that's a word...*)

17. When you find out you're expecting your third, do yourself a big favor: Run out and pick up a box of this. Seriously. Not even being cute. I just used it yesterday, and I heard little birdies singing while butterflies fluttered around my head. And, it literally took all of 20 minutes. Start to finish

 Something about the third seems to bring in an abundance of some things... and a scarcity of others. (In the abundance column, let's say I'm referring to gray hairs. In the scarcity column--review #4-8. And add.... hmm... I'll whisper it in Spanish so you don't think I'm being impolite: *dinero*.)

So, yes. Don't delay. It's happiness in a box. An attitude adjustment for $6. And it comes in every shade.

18. Sanity is not found the schedule... it's all about the rhythm, the dance.

Women in general are called to live in flux. Throughout our lifetime, we fill many different and diverse roles--our bodies go through unparalleled changes, bear pain, carry, hold, embrace, nurture, heal... And, we must find beauty in the changes. Must find the grace and tenderness there. If we hold on to what used to be, to what could have been, should have been, we will see the joy begin to crumble. But, if we can lean into what is, hear the rhythm of the time and sway to it's beat... we will find our way!

What does that mean in daily life? For me now, it has been finding what works for today... trying to notice what the baby seems to be wanting and needing today... realizing it could all be different tomorrow... and trying to be okay with that.

19. If you don't like what you see in the mirror, find one with a more flattering light source. For real.

Lastly....
20. You will survive. You will find your new normal. Because... you are a mother. Or, in other words: you are amazing.

a reminder... to me...

As I struggle to find a new normal in my days (new job + new house + new baby + hubby twice to Mexico in 2 weeks + all 3 kids taking turns getting croup = whaaaa??!)... I find myself falling into bed feeling like a failure most days. Things I'd wanted to accomplish--half-started, or totally forgotten. (Why do we remember everything the moment we lie down?) If I am feeling even a little "together"--all I need to do is walk into a different room, see the disaster, and be reminded of how very little I have together!

This is not a post begging for help or looking for pity--I have a thousand other things I've been dying to write... But, this. This is the post I must write. To myself. A lifeline, when I am flailing to keep my head above water. When I am feeling like nothing is going right.

And, word to the wise--it is not a well put-together post. The rambling and lack of organization is a reflection of my mental state these last weeks.. but I hope you can find the sense of it! ;)

The first several weeks post baby, I felt my attitude slipping. Especially towards everything "not baby". I would snap at my older children--not giving them time or grace to be themselves. Playfulness had flown out the window, and in it's place came a snarky, sleep-deprived woman who demanded silence, immediate obedience and the understanding of an adult.

Thankfully, I felt God's voice halt me in my tracks... and encourage me to stop taking myself and my feelings/emotions so seriously. Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I was cranky. So, what? It would pass. What wouldn't pass were my children's memories of these days. The hurt I was so carelessly inflicting as I cut them off in their excited sharing (not enough time!), as I shut down any inclination towards creative play (messy!), as I told them to laugh quietly (too loud!)... as I myself forgot to smile, and to laugh. I began laughing first at myself. I am a pretty funny thing, actually. And, really... the less sleep I get, the funnier I get. (Bumping into walls, putting socks in refrigerators, completely forgetting appointments THAT ARE WRITTEN ON THE CALENDER). Why not just laugh about it? As opposed to letting it all build and build until I explode all over my loved ones? This perspective helped me to find time for play with the kids... Car rides are now crazy times of silliness and sharing. Love it. It helps me to stop what I'm doing and listen--with corresponding facial expressions..!

So, playfulness and engaging has returned. But, I now struggle with the HOUSEWORK. I don't naturally adore housework. It doesn't really fulfill me. BUT. I do enjoy a clean, organized house. And, I do feel intense pressure to keep it that way. I feel that weight each night as I go to bed, surrounded by piles of clothing and projects that are half-started. I feel embarrassed--imagining someone popping in: "They will think I do nothing all day!"

I also began feeling the crushing pressure yesterday, as the kids and I began decorating the house. I began feeling that our decorating wasn't that great and picking things apart. And, then I stopped.

You know what?? WHO CARES? Who cares if these decorations are the ones we've been recycling the last several years? Who cares if they aren't placed in the most perfect way? I then began to feel the need to rebel against the weight... What if---I didn't spend another cent on decorations? What if I just let it be?

I began thinking about what REALLY matters to me. What I REALLY want my kiddos to learn as they grow.

And, here it is... (incomplete... but here):
--I want them to learn creativity and imaginative play. Which, in my world, means allowing messy. Allowing paper scraps, allowing blanket forts, allowing digging in the dirt.

--I want them to learn helpfulness and how to work. Which, in my world, means allowing them into MY space. Not shutting out offers of helping me cook dinner, fold laundry, sweep the floor, organize a drawer. EVEN WHEN I WANT TO. Even when it takes 10 times longer with them "helping".

--I want them to learn responsibility and family cooperation. Which, I my world, requires leaving certain things undone... so that they will do them. (like: Their bed). It requires me to be more organized and to think about what they are capable of doing... and it requires me to HOLD THEM to it! It requires that I hold myself back from doing things that they can and should be doing (cleaning up after themselves, helping out).

--I want them to feel the home is their home. Which, in my world, means displaying their projects their artwork... and even (gasp) letting them lend a hand in decorating it (and even leaving it the way they did it!). I don't want them to learn, "Hands off, the only one whose creativity counts is momma's." I want them to learn to dream, create--and to do so cooperatively. I want my home to reflect the people who live there--not a snapshot from a magazine.

--I want them to learn respect and kindness. Which requires that I am tuned into how they play, how they interact, and how they respond.

--I want them to learn about God, and His plan for them and how He is a part of everything in our lives. This means I need to both plan ahead for teaching times... and take the time for spontaneous teaching times. I need to utilize different ways of getting the message across--whether through conversation, games, crafts... which all takes time.

What do you think? Do you notice what is glaringly absent from the list? "I want them to learn that the only good home is a clean, model home ". Not even there!

Also, this list was a huge reality check. ALL of them require time, flexibility, time, connection, engagement, time, follow-up and a sort of open-handedness. And, time. Which means... none of these priorities spell "Clean, magazine-worthy house".

All of this is not to say, "Don't stop by my house. Is a toxic landfill." (Hopefully not!) ;) Nope. It's just a reminder to me that if that list above is really a reflection of some of my top priorities for my kids... Then, that's the list I should be running through my mind as I lie in my bed at night. I need to allow myself to feel the joy of the deep conversation about God that my son had with me, or the compassion I saw displayed by my daughter, or the laughter shared by all at dinner. These are my standards. These are what matter to me.

What about you? Are you able to just focus on your family's priorities... and let all the other crazy expectations run out the door and bother someone else? ;)

a woman and her pies.

A little over a month ago, a dear friend sent me a message on Facebook. She wrote: "Did you see what I wrote about the pies?" I thought maybe she had written me by accident, but I went to check it out. I found a post commenting on the amazing, mouth-watering pie she had baked for her daughter (I mean--doesn't just looking at this picture make you drool??). :)

As I went to comment that it looked very delicious, I saw this friend had typed: "Fresh peach pie to highest bidder next. Cash goes to Texas for Rey and Liz Sanchez and their little baby girl soon to be born. Peaches coming Aug. 21. Let the bidding begin. P.S. let's make it the top two bidders and you can bid until Aug. 20th. Let's have fun!."  Tears sprang to my eyes-- what??! How sweet was that? 

I thanked her, and then Rey and I just marveled together at this gesture of love and kindness. You see, that's all this friend (and her lovely family) have shown us. Back even before there was an "us", a "Rey and Liz Incorporated", she believed in us. She encouraged Rey to pursue me, and giggled with me over "Rey tidbits" at her kitchen table during our long-distance dating. She prayed for us and often served as a conduit of information for us. She would vouch for Rey's character when I was unsure... and pass along to Rey whatever giddiness I may have "happened" to share with her. She insisted we call her "Grandma" and invited us to many family functions; they even let Rey live with them on 2 separate occasions.

For our wedding that took place in the U.S... she and her husband stood in for Rey's parents, since they couldn't make it. I don't just mean they stood up at the wedding. Nope. She went with me to check out the wedding venue and give her perspective on it. They also found the perfect spot for our rehearsal dinner and footed the bill.

When we lived in Mexico, she didn't forget to send us birthday cards and holiday greetings. She even sent gifts for the kids. They often supported us when we were on the mission field. One Christmas, she actually told her family that she and her husband had all they needed, so to send whatever they would've spend on gifts to us! Who does that??

All these memories and more came flooding back to Rey and I as we shook our heads at how she--yet again--had thought of another way to bless us.

A month or so went by, and I had pretty much forgotten about the pie comment, since we had heard no further details. One day, an unexpected bill arrived in the mail. By this point, we were living off of what Rey could earn working part time at a car wash, and the bill was much larger than we could afford. I walked to the mail box the next day, hoping no more surprise bills were waiting and wondering what we should do about the one that had arrived. 

What I instead found was a note from a person who I didn't know... with a check for a little more than what the bill had been... stating they had ordered some delicious pies from our friend and this financial gift was because of those pies. The sender included some sweet words of encouragement as well. Can you say amazing??

I called our friend first thing the next morning, and we exclaimed together over this amazing event-- she said she called things like that "pennies from heaven" and was just as ecstatic over it as I was. I thought this check was from the "winner of the auction"--as detailed on the Facebook comment. But, then... our friend told us that news of her pies was spreading like wildfire and orders were pouring in.

I asked, "What??! I thought it was just the one pie! How many pies have you sent out so far?"

She counted them up. Twelve. "And, with each pie, I send an enveloped pre-addressed to you guys with a note saying they can send however much they like." We were dumbfounded. 12 pies? And, she had more orders coming in.

She made so many pies, she ran out of peaches and had to switch to apples. I think she made 23 pies total. And, more checks kept arriving in our mailbox. Most from people we'd never met. Many with sweet notes of encouragement. Each check caused me to envision those dear hands preparing the fruit, slicing it, rolling out the dough, watching to make sure the pie was baked to perfection. Bringing more tears to our eyes. A true, complete labor of love.

In the end, our friend's pies (along with their own generosity) brought us over $1300. Overwhelming. And, honestly. When we needed it most. The last check arrived September 8. Rey was hired September 19. How fun it was to share the joy with her!

There are many things about our friend that are note-worthy. That are imitable. In this particular instance, I loved that she didn't just see a need and try to fill it herself. She found a way to pull in her community around her to help us also--and I think that is extra special. God has placed amazing people in our lives like this one. I always try to absorb as much from them as I can, pass on what they have been to us to others. To learn how to truly give and love as they do. It is truly humbling. Our people are our biggest blessing.

Why do I share this woman with you all? I don't share her name because I know she didn't do it for fame. Those who know her already know all that I am writing... and more! I write it because each of us are daily confronted with needs around us. It can seem so hard to know what to do. Maybe we don't feel we have anything that could help.

Maybe we don't. But, maybe. Just maybe, we could bake a pie. Or... 23. And be just what it takes to get a family through a rough spot.

Grateful! 

"Love you, grandma & grandpa!" 

**Several photos used with permission from Everyday Charming. She snapped these pictures of our friend-- because our "pie lady" happens to be her grandma! Check her out--she's super talented!**

thoughts on birth

Been thinking lately about the obvious: birth! But, more specifically in the words Jesus said to Nicodemus: "You must be born again."

I think one of the things that shocked me the most about birth the first time around was how brutal it was. I don't mean the pain--I knew to expect that to be awful. But, I guess I imagined the moment the baby left my body would be one of exhilaration and an overwhelming sense of life... When, really... it felt like a shock, a severance, a loss, a lightening... The separation of the child's body from my own literally caused my body to jolt from the parting. I didn't imagine that.

So, I've been thinking about Jesus' use of the analogy of being born when talking about being a part of God's kingdom. I think in reading that passage before, I would think about it in reference to "new life"... but not the actual process of birth. I thought of other analogies Jesus could have chosen: "Think of it as joining a club" or "You must apply yourself, like at school, if you want to get good grades" or "There is a member's fee". But, no. He chose birth.

I think it is because... not only does entering God's kingdom mean you are entering  into a new life.... but also, entering God's kingdom--being born again--is often, to us, a brutal process.

When I truly am in God's kingdom, there will be times that it feels brutal. That I feel the shock of separation from my old way of thinking, a lightening from what used to matter to me, a severance from the things that used to control my decisions and my outlook.

Birth is a one-time thing... but living as one born-again is an on-going one. This is where physical and spiritual birth are different. As those born to God, we have the choice to return to how we were. To re-assume the old identities, to return to being owned by the earthly. Being born into God's kingdom is one-time... and it is also daily. A birth that requires dying... new life that bids farewell to the old. Kingdom-living gets its rhythm from the nudges of sanctification, truth and sacrifice.

I think about the process it takes for a woman to get to the point of birth-- the gradual building of anticipation, the aches the pains, the swelling... until, all that woman longs for is birth. I think it's the same for us... That getting to the place where we actually desire to be reborn, to be alive in God, to let go, is often a process. A gradual intensifying of need and desperation, until... finally... we can't do anything more than bow our knee to God and say: "I am ready. Have your way in me."

Birth is brutal. It is full of the unknown and of risk. But, it is also beautiful and unlike anything else on earth. It is life-changing, life-beginning, and life-renewing. Birth creates families, unites communities and inspires joy.  So let us choose to yield to that which God desires to birth in us, and release into His hands that which must not remain... true life comes only through this!

weary and worn?

I clicked on this song to listen to this morning while getting ready for the morning... and soon found I could do nothing more than sit and weep as the words soaked in. So, so beautiful. At His feet, drinking from His portion-- it's where I long to be, it's all I need to sustain me. His peace envelops; He restores, pursues, loves! Leaning into Him... I think I will be replaying this song every day this week as I learn to lean on Him, surrender to Him, seek Him, more and more.

blessedness... and inheritance

So, the outline of thoughts for this post has been in my "drafts" pile since the end of June... but, the months between then and now have only caused my then thoughts to become more cemented, so I will finally try to flesh out yet another part of what God has been teaching me during the last weeks.

These thoughts first got put into motion when a friend posted this article on Facebook, "The One Thing Christians Should Stop Saying". Have you read it yet?? It basically questions our use of the word "blessed"... and asks us to reconsider what blessedness truly looks like.

The author's use of the Sermon on the Mount to illustrate what Jesus called "blessedness" stuck with me and made me want to dive deeper into my understanding of just what a blessed life looks like--a truly blessed life. Not just a "I Have Everything" life, or a "I've Got it all Together" life that we can all find ourselves working so hard to obtain.

I've heard the "Beatitudes" many times throughout my life, and--as often happens with much-heard things--the words can flow by without the mind being engaged. So, this time I began to look at it with a different version of the Bible (The Message).

I found that:

I am blessed when...
--I am at the end of my rope. With less of me there is more of GOD and his rule.
--I feel like I've lost what is most dear to me. Only then can I be embraced by the One who is most dear.
--I am CONTENT with who I am--no more and no less. That's when I find myself the joyful owner of everything that cannot be bought.
--I am hungry for God. Then HE is my food and drink.
--I show mercy. Then I will find myself receiving mercy.
--I get my inside world--mind & heart--put right. Then I can see God in my outside world.
--I make and/or bring peace... Instead of competing. That's when I will find my place in God's family.
--My commitment to God draws persecution. That persecution will drive me close to God.
--People insult me or lie about me to discredit God... because it is God's truth that is making them uncomfortable.

Did you see that? None of the blessings are material things, or desires granted, or generally any other thing we often call a "blessing" in our lives.Of the evidences of blessedness... 3 are states of heart-being or character. 4 are actions that should be our recognizable mode of living. Only 1 speaks of the blessedness of something received--and that something received is persecution.

BE:
Poor in spirit, spiritually needy, at the end of your rope, humble.
Meek, mild, patient, long-suffering, content.
Pure of heart, clean, unified, honest, sincere, genuine
RECEIVE:
God's Kingdom
The earth
Eyes to see God.

ACTIONS:
Seek righteousness, hunger for God
Give mercy
Make/Bring peace
Mourn
RECEIVE:
Fullness
Mercy
A place in God's family
Comfort

Our blessings received flow as the consequence of our state of heart and our way of action-choosing, not because we've put a quarter in the gumball machine and got what we wanted. And, the blessings are the things that draw us closer to God and His kingdom.

I don't know about you, but these thoughts have caused me to re-examine the things I think of as blessings... I am learning not to yearn after things that seem that they would be blessings, and to find myself being blessed in the in-between.

I also am analyzing the way I process scripture in light of this. I am trying to process things in less of a "do this so you can get this" way... and just process it in a "do this because in and of itself it IS a blessing." For example, the scripture: "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you." Maybe it's just me, but my selfish brain reads that like "Do this to get that", or "If you want something from God, focus on God-stuff for a while." For now, I like to just focus on, "Seek first the kingdom of God"... and just relish the blessing that seeking Him IS, in and of itself. For me, it's a mental exercise of seeking to love God for who He IS, follow him because He KNOWS the way, and seek Him because He is all I NEED... with the hope that I can unlearn the practices of the spoiled child: Being cute and sweet only when I want something.

During the processing of this, our pastor at church read a passage that I realized I had been reading all wrong before as well:

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints" (Eph. 1:18)

For some reason, my process had been, "I pray your eyes are opened to all the riches you have as a child of God's." And, I think that is partially what it's saying. But, with my new way of reading... Where before I might have thought "The blessing in this passage is the riches"... this time, I read it as "The richness is found in the saints". Or, our inheritance as God's children is in the saints--or it is the saints. Meaning, our inheritance--our riches--is the family of people God has placed us in when we became one of His own. The NLT writes it this way: " I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope He has given to those He called--His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance."

This really resonated with me. I truly believe that God wants me to see the spiritual family He has placed me in as my inheritance, as my riches, and His great blessing to me. If I truly believed that each person in His family was a direct gift from God to me... would I not treat them differently, give them the honor they're due, respect them and cherish them? Resolve to unite with and uphold them, and discourage competition and gossip?

It makes so much sense to me that the God who sees meekness, humility and spiritual hunger as evidences of a blessed life... would see surrounding that blessed person in a beautiful community of His cherished children as the greatest inheritance He could bestow. Because--you know what?? This "version" of blessedness works in any country, in any culture, at any time in history, in any economic or class level. That's why I believe it reflects God's heart--because He is not an exclusionary God, and His values are eternal, spirit values... not shifting, earthly things! And, of course God's inheritance would be one of community and unity--since, in and of ourselves, we tend to want to be one-man-shows and show our independence--our solitary rightness, as opposed to deferential love!

Yearning to have my eyes see the true blessings around me--to be "a blessed"-- to value what God values... and to let the rest just be extras!

shiftings

So, as promised... Some of the lessons I feel God speaking to my heart during these last few days.

On Sunday, we walked into church and these words were being sung:

Already, my heart was ready for these words, because I was  feeling God's presence there... that He had things to say to me, and that our circumstances were to teach us more about Him and ourselves. 

I began to realize that I usually process those words like this: "God takes dust and turns it into something beautiful". Or, "There are hard/yucky times in life, but it will all be changed and we will have good times." Does that make sense? 

How about the "beauty from ashes" phrase? Applied to our situation, I may think: "Right now we are struggling, but if we hold on... we will have enough financially. We will be able to plan ahead. We will be happily ever after." 

Yes, I do believe that God answers prayers and that he has our family in his hand... but.

What if... part of the truth there is that God makes even the dust beautiful to me? What if he makes me find beauty in the ashes? In the mourning? In the struggle? What if the beauty isn't in escaping the pressure, but in embracing the pressure? What if the difference of a God-life is that we aren't always seeking just one more thing, but delighting in each season, each place? Truth is, we don't need God to be happy when things are going well. That's human nature. What is not human nature--what definitely requires the divine--is in learning to thrive and delight when there is no earthly reason you would.

As these thoughts were going through my mind, the song "The Wondrous Cross" was sang. Again, these words poured into my soul in a way I hadn't heard them before. I've heard/sang that song my whole life, and--to be honest--I didn't really connect the word "wondrous" with "cross". I interpreted it to mean, "The wonderful gift given to us through the cross"...but.

What if the cross itself is wondrous? What if the altar, the sacrifice itself is a thing of beauty?

I believe I am learning: Beauty is not when the ashes, the cross, is gone. God-life means He can show us the beauty in the ashes, in the sacrifice.

I have long heard the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" spoken as if it were a "A + B = C" formula. I don't believe it is. I don't think God wants us to tell him what we want, and then grit our teeth and bear up until we get that thing. Consider this passage:

" Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6) 

"Present" to me paints the picture of transferring the request from my hands to God's hands, laying my request on the altar. Here's a question I had never thought of before: Is my request truly on the altar if I define the answer? 

Another way to ask that question is, "Am I the one who truly knows how to define what good is? What beautiful is? What wonderful is?" I believe part of the process now is in letting God redefine for me all those things--what is good, what is beautiful... for me. Right now. Can I really say my situation right now, as it is, is beautiful? I think I am beginning to be able to say "yes" to that question.

Which brings me to that second part of the presenting your requests to God thing... 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

See--that's supernatural. That--to me--is saying: "While your request is presented... while it's still there.... God's peace will be taking charge of your mind and heart... and it's not going to make any rational sense. But, that's how it's going to be." Isn't that cool?

It made me think of Paul and Silas, singing in... while bound in chains... in jail... probably facing death. I'd often heard that they were invoking the "power of praise" to bring a deliverance from their bondage. Perhaps. Or maybe it went something like this: "Hey, Silas... Let's talk to God about our situation." And then, once they'd presented their requests... maybe the Silas said, "Hey, Paul... It doesn't make sense but God has filled me with such peace and joy right now... let's sing about it!" Singing even when they didn't have their answer... and then their answer came. In this case, the answer was deliverance. But... they didn't know that when they were singing.  (Acts 16)

Which made me come to a realization about that "formula" verse some people like to use: "Delight + in God = you get what you want." And, I think you do, sometimes. But, I think sometimes... if we let him... God will change our wants and desires. He will gently turn our eyes to better things, soften our hearts to new things, expand our borders in ways we never imagined. Maybe he wants me to see the answer is not changing that thing I despise right now, but in letting it change me.

Yearning to become more and more alive to him-- to his beauty, his vision. Even in--or dare I say, especially in--the times of pressing and difficulty. Because... that is how he works. He sees beauty where no one else sees it... and he transforms it into a work of art.

what to say...

So, you may have that friend that is stuck in a really hard place, and things are just not going well.

Of course, you want to encourage her that it will be okay. That it has to get better at some point. That in the future, she will look back on this time with fondness. Maybe, you try to encourage her by comparing her situation with one that is worse: "Well, at least you're not experiencing this..." Or, you want to try to be 100%  practical, to kind of get her out of her funk: "The logical thing to do is..." Or, you try to suggest all kinds of things maybe she should/could be doing...

You get the point.

Can I tell you something? Sometimes all that is good.

And, sometimes, all she wants to hear is: "Ugh. That stinks so bad. I can't imagine being in your situation. You are doing an amazing job in the meantime. It has to be so hard."

Because, sometimes that friend is weary of smiling at all the platitudes. Maybe she's thinking, "You don't know that it will get better." Or, maybe comparing her situation to one that is "worse" feels really hurtful, as if you are dismissing the very real struggle she is facing.

So, sometimes. Don't give a pep talk. Don't say that cheerful, trite thing. Just empathize, just feel what she is feeling, and let her know you see her in the midst of that hard time... and let her know you are there. Even if it's just to listen to her, cry with her, pray for her. Because, often, nothing will strengthen her more.

yet, rejoice.

Letting these words sink in this morning...

"Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him...Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord... You have filled my heart with joy more than when the grain and new wine abound. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety."

...and then, going back to re-read the beginning of the chapter and realizing... These words were written from a hard place. From a "not-safe" place. From a time of lack, worry, persecution and distress. Yet, David says: "Praise. Trust. Be glad. Rest." 

And, so I shall!

(Habakkuk 3)

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Yet. Even still.

6-29-2014

Do I really believe that broken is better? Enough to submit to the breaking? To lean into it, trust it? To allow it to gentle me, expose me, refine me? To allow the process to happen in those I love? To give them the space and grace to be broken; the support and time for God to do what only He can do, in only the way He can?

a secondary emotion

"The profound danger is that, as noted above, we start to think of feeling as weakness. With the exception of anger (which is a secondary emotion, one that only serves as a socially acceptable mask for many of the more difficult underlying emotions we feel), we are losing our tolerance for emotion and hence for vulnerability." -from "Daring Greatly"

Replaying these words in my head today, as anger reared its ugly head towards my husband and kiddos. In facing the underlying emotions, I can choose to free myself from anger. The emotions--feeling overwhelmed, at the end of my rope, frustrated, without roots, without ability to plan ahead, unprepared, questioning, tired, worried--coupled with the chronic lower back/pelvic pain that accompanies this part of my pregnancies... often leave me falling into the "unpleasant company" category.

Truth is, facing these things doesn't make them go away. I still don't know what to do, I still am in pain... But, perhaps what is sought here is honesty in expression of these feelings--not hiding them behind anger, which solves nothing and wounds many.

6-25-2014

So, things haven't been going as planned. Or, even as hoped. In many ways--they are actually going better. But, one vital element is missing... and that element makes it harder to enjoy the rest. As we are at six months of living off of unemployment (thank GOD that it's available)... I have felt myself becoming brittle and dejected. It's easier to focus on the dead-ends going in many directions, than to rest in God's wisdom and see the beauty he gives us at each dawn.

Today, wasn't a bad day. We did fun things. We went out and came back. It was just me--I was bad. I was down and not the most fun to be around.

As we walked out for our nearly daily trip to the apartment pool (I may have been trudging)... I found the thoughts spooling themselves through my mind were not the most positive, and definitely not centered on the here and now. I scowled at the trash blowing around the apartment complex, shook my head at broken things that have laid unattended for too long... 

Then, I stopped. I asked God to focus my eye on his beauty instead of the obvious disappointments.  To help me embrace the moment, rather than sacrificing it on the alter of future worries. 

So, I took out my camera. And saw beauty, everywhere. 

It's there, in her confident smile... her pensive expression... her sun-bronzed skin. (Why is she so tall??)

It's there, in his boyish need to be silly and yell "Gotcha!".

 It's there, in the exuberance, and the laughter.

I see it in their bodies--the strong muscles, the bright minds; the health and ability.

 

 Looking up, rather than down...

       

And this one... because.... what's more beautiful than an "Awkward Family Photo"?? Ha!! :)

5-20-2014

'Cuz he's sweet, and could see I needed some alone time.

Because I needed to read these words: "What we've been talking about isn't making our lives perfect. Instead, it's about learning to turn to Jesus when our hearts feel restless, to have the courage to be who He made us here and now no matter what, to cross the finish line into everything He has for us in eternity with a smile on our faces, knowing we ran well every step of the way." --You're Already Amazing, by Holley Gerth

"Too Small to Ignore"

You know I love to share a good thing... and, this latest read is just that--GOOD!! :)

"Too Small to Ignore" is written by former president of Compassion, Wess Stafford. It has truly been one of the most amazing books I have read lately, revolutionizing the way I think about children, missions... and poverty! To be honest, when I first saw that a man that had worked for Compassion wrote a book about children--I thought, "This is going to be an obvious read: Sponsor kids."

Instead, the book takes you on an intimate journey through the Wess's life, from growing up in a primitive tribe in Southern Africa, to boarding school, to living in the US... He offers a valuable and unique perspictive on the things dear to his heart: namely children and poverty--or better said, children in poverty.

Although I am a person who loves children, and one who has lived in a third-world country... I was blown away by some of his insights, and it totally made me understand things even about Rey or about the culture I was living in while I was in Mexico.

The author is heart-broken that the church today does not see what a treasure children are NOW. He says too often we just kind of "put up" with childhood, bear with it until it's over: "When the child is grown they are a valuable asset to society"... keeping the child on the sidelines.... while Jesus--more than once--states that children are very important. Just as they are--being children.

Wess stresses that he believes the root of poverty is fatalism-- "I don't matter.There's nothing special about me." That was a profound thought to me, and bore true the longer I thought about it. Which, Wess says, is why the GOSPEL is the perfect antidote to poverty! "When a poor child comes to understand that God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, knows her name, that God cares deeply about her, that he knows how many hairs are on her head, that he etched the unique design of her fingerprints, that he gave her a unique and delightful way of laughing, and that he sent his own Son to die on the cross to save her, that leads to an epiphany that changes, everything. 'I guess I matter after all!' "

I took pages and pages of notes from his book, and I won't bore you with all the morsels (or spoil it for you)... But, here's a quote I loved: "A child may be born into poverty, but poverty is never born into the heart of the child." He spoke of giving up, of loosing the want to dream, as being the greatest poverty.

Also, Wess talks long about the many rich lessons and life-perspective he gained from growing up in his tightly-knit African tribe--many of which I want to try to weave into our way of family from now on.

I could seriously go on and on.. but, I won't. Just go get it! Oh--and as if it needs to get better--Wess asked that all author's royalties from the sales of his book be given back to Compassion International to further their work... so, it's really a win-win! :)

neither here nor there

I was talking to a friend the other day--she was sharing about being at that spot where you are just in between. You know where you need to be, you are okay where you are--but you are waiting, focused on the goal while trying to maintain a good, peaceful attitude in the meantime. I told her, "I know! I always hate feeling like I'm in limbo..."

I thought about how often Rey and I have been "in limbo". When we felt called to join up with my aunt and uncle in their missions work--there were months between that decision and the day we moved. It was hard to live fully during those months, not to just throw them away since: "I'm not staying here anyway..."

When we felt called to return home to Illinois, again there were months between the decision and the actual fulfilling of that decision. Big decisions, big moves like that take lots of time, lots of prayer, lots of investigating and organizing. It is so easy for the decision to become so all-consuming that you forget to live fully in the in between.

And again, we find ourselves in an "in between". We feel we are being led in a certain direction--but we are most-certainly in limbo. Not here, not there. Leaning, but not sure. Directed, but lacking detail. I felt myself chafing at being at that point again. Just wanting to be there, or here, but not in between.

Then the thought came: Really... we are called to live our whole lives in limbo. We are living for the promise of being unified with our Love. We are constantly pulled between the heavenly and the earthly--longing to be with our eternal Father, but loving our life here. Yearning to be where our feet are leading us, but striving to enjoy the journey as we are walking. It made me reflect on the yearning of generations for their Messiah... the waiting remembered in these days of Advent.

I am *finally* delving into the great book "One Thousand Gifts", and in my last reading this phrase jumped out at me: "It's the in between that drives us mad." Wow. Exactly what I'd been contemplating.

Further, I had been realizing that this irritated feeling I'd been having with being in between, was also combining with my utter abhorrence of Illinois winters. Ever since the bitter cold and long, grey weeks have blown in, my overall mood has also been grey and dreary. I have been lacking energy, impatient with the kids and generally a real treat to be around. ;) I have been feeling actual anger towards the weather, towards being stuck indoors when we'd rather be out playing, towards the world being pitch-black by 5 pm... you know, anger. Because it helps so much.

Slowly, though, I feel as though God has been breaking through the irritation, despondency, and anger... and calling me to return to fully living where I am, how I am. Saying things like, "Buck up" and "Get over it" and other kind things. In a gentle voice, because I am a sensitive soul.

In this time, I was reading Luke 21 and came to this verse: "By your patience possess your souls". This can mean many things to many people, but to me in the time I read it, my eyes read: "If you can choose patience in these in-between times of life, you will possess your soul. If you choose patience when the kids are being kids, you will possess your soul. If you wait for Me patiently during your years on earth, you will possess your soul."

Then, I read a smidgen from My Utmost for His Highest I stumbled upon, relating to this passage:

"Luke 21:19 means that we take possession of our souls through patience. But many of us prefer to stay at the entrance to the Christian life, instead of going on to create and build our soul in accordance with the new life God has placed within us. We fail because we are ignorant of the way God has made us, and we blame things on evil that are actually the result of our own undisciplined natures. Just think what we could be when we are awakened to the truth!
There are certain things in life that we need not pray about— moods, for instance. We will never get rid of moodiness by praying, but we will by kicking it out of our lives. Moods nearly always are rooted in some physical circumstance, not in our true inner self. It is a continual struggle not to listen to the moods which arise as a result of our physical condition, but we must never submit to them for a second. We have to pick ourselves up by the back of the neck and shake ourselves; then we will find that we can do what we believed we were unable to do. The problem that most of us are cursed with is simply that we won’t. The Christian life is one of spiritual courage and determination lived out in our flesh."

Good old Oswald. I guess if I didn't hear that whole, "Get over it" message before, I should now right?

All of this to say, I'm learning I need to be okay with in between. I need to learn to fully live, in patience, in limbo. Because, our entire existence is a thread stretched between here and another place, the perfect tension between two places that both hold such portions of our heart and time--yet must compliment each other instead of competing with each other.

In the meantime... I am especially loving this hymn of longing and expectation:

"Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our day spring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel! 

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!"

expressing love...

It was during one of our last weeks in Mexico. The decision to leave was bearing heavily on our hearts--although we felt convinced that it was the right choice.

Many of our friends there, although motivated by love, were saying things that weren't making the leaving any easier. When we stated we needed to get help for Noah, they said there wasn't anything wrong with Noah. And then gave us all kinds of other options. "I went to a man who is so good with aligning the personalities of people. He can sense things... Like, maybe when Noah was in your womb, he didn't feel love from you. So, you can go and this man does hold therapy. Where you can hug Noah tightly and heal that rift that happened..." 

Or, when we stated that--plain and simple--we weren't even close to making it financially, some criticized our faith. "You just need to believe harder!" When we said, "What if God is purposefully shutting that door to guide us back Stateside?", they would shake their heads emphatically.

I also struggled with feeling misunderstood. The times were few and far between that I was able to travel out to the communities with Rey, and I often felt that was not well-looked upon by many.

So, it was hard. Jumping into a lot of unknowns... dealing with the really hard place we were in with Noah and our finances... trying to sell off everything and work out all the details of moving to a different country--I was feeling completely drained. On less than empty, really.

We were invited to a small house church a friend of ours helped to pastor. Rey shared a sermon that day. Towards the end of the service, people were going to the front for a time of prayer. I stood near my seat, praying silently and listening to the music.

Suddenly, I felt gentle hands press on my back. I heard the voice of a dear, older woman who faithfully served in the outreaches to the communities. She prayed loudly, as the music pounded around us, that God would wrap me in his arms. That he would uphold me as I upheld my husband. That he would give me wisdom as I mothered our children. "Because, father, we all see she really is a wonderful mother..." That he would give me peace as I went into an unknown situation. And, then, she said: "God, we place Noah into your hands. May they find the help they need for this precious boy. Heal his mind and body and give his parents what they need to raise him...." And then, folks, it was all over. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and I began to sob uncontrollably. To hear such words of affirmation, comfort and love spoken over me was like water onto parched soil.

As other women in the church saw my state, more encircled me... placing their hands on me and lifting high prayers for God's comfort, strength and healing. It was an amazing, unforgettable moment. A moment that I so felt God's love for me through the hands and prayers of these women. A moment that taught me... that I need to be like that one woman who acted on what I can only imagine was God's whisper to her: "Go pray for Liz."

Who do I need to be praying for today? Do I need to pray for them from my home? Or face to face with them? What about you? Who is someone in your circle that could be so renewed by truly being seen by you?

I pray we don't hold back from expressing love when we have the opportunity.

moments in time

I was out running errands the other night, and pulled into a parking spot. I soon realized an area junior high school was having their homecoming dance dinner at a restaurant in this shopping center, as I saw little, tiny babies dressed in suits and frilly dresses walking in groups. Of course, they weren't really babies, they just looked that way to my momma-eyes.

Out of the car next to me emerged a tall, thin boy in a shirt and tie, looking awkward, nervous and eager to escape his parents. He stood outside the car while his dad took a picture of him with his phone. He looked determinedly away, obviously not wanting to be delayed. After the picture was taken, with his dad's comments of how great he looked falling un-received to the ground--the boy began to stride away from mom and dad toward the shopping center. His shoulders were bunched up, his hands either shoved into his pockets or adjusting his tie or patting down his mop of brown hair.

I looked over at the mom. She stood away from the car--one hand on her chest, one hand waving. Her mouth moved, but no words came out. She looked to be on the verge of tears. I felt tears spring to my eyes, too. Will my boy have this same moment?

As I walked through the shopping center, groups of junior high kids passed me. Their electric energy was palpable; the level of glam they each were exhibiting was mind-numbing. They were so young! I thought about how hard those ages are, how high school is even harder. I imagined my own kids in that crowd. In that awful, awkward age where you are between child and adult. Where no one knows who they are and there is a lot of "mean" going around. I said a prayer for my babies, and these, to be strong.

Those moments are seared into my memory. I don't know what junior high and high school will be like for my babies, but I pray they make a safe passage. I pray that today I can be instilling in them the things they will need to make it through those years...

But, mostly...it makes me adore today even more.

Today, my boy grabs my face and insists we kiss on the lips when I drop him off at school. In front of his friends. With a big, big hug.

Today, my girl insists on wearing combinations of clothing that leave me equal parts embarrassed and pleased that she can feel so good in such an eye-watering array. "Aleni boot-a-full." Yes, you are.

Today, my boy wrestles me to the ground and makes me laugh until I cry when he says, "Don't worry about it, dollface." (Thanks, Penguins of Madagascar)

Today, my girl stealthily sneaks down the stairs at night after her brother is fast asleep... her freshly-bathed hair hanging in her eyes, thumb in her mouth. She tiptoes into my room, wanting just a few more moments of mommy-girl time before going off to sleep.

Today, my girl whispers to me her secrets, my boy asks me to snuggle him....they find me to tell me they love me.

And... they tell me--there truly is no way to freeze time? Maybe not, but in writing about it... at least it can be remembered.

growing pains...

The day has been absolutely filled... from start to finish... with God's calls--yet again--on my heart. Filling my heart with what can only be the tiniest glimpse into the pain that must fill his as he sees the suffering of his creations on this earth.

So many thoughts have run through my mind this day. So many tears have been shed. So much to be done. So few hours in the day. So many things to distract us from what is important.

But, for now. As my mind struggles to understand the enormity of it all... I cling to this verse:
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

And, to this simple application of this verse, that lofty word: "justice":

Understanding that "justice" means "to make right".

It is seeing things that aren't right... Realizing that if it wouldn't ever be right for me, wouldn't ever be right for my children, my family--then it isn't right for anyone else. And to ask God to be part of the righting of that wrong. To see the injustice, and to act out justice.

I sense God calling me to small obediences. Small against the extreme suffering and pain I see, but perhaps costly to my comfort and convenience. I resist the obeying, knowing that it will bring "disorder" into my schedule, upheaval to my routine...

But, I sense I can do nothing less than say "yes", and... "yes".