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Monday, December 1, 2014

a reminder... to me...

As I struggle to find a new normal in my days (new job + new house + new baby + hubby twice to Mexico in 2 weeks + all 3 kids taking turns getting croup = whaaaa??!)... I find myself falling into bed feeling like a failure most days. Things I'd wanted to accomplish--half-started, or totally forgotten. (Why do we remember everything the moment we lie down?) If I am feeling even a little "together"--all I need to do is walk into a different room, see the disaster, and be reminded of how very little I have together!

This is not a post begging for help or looking for pity--I have a thousand other things I've been dying to write... But, this. This is the post I must write. To myself. A lifeline, when I am flailing to keep my head above water. When I am feeling like nothing is going right.

And, word to the wise--it is not a well put-together post. The rambling and lack of organization is a reflection of my mental state these last weeks.. but I hope you can find the sense of it! ;)

The first several weeks post baby, I felt my attitude slipping. Especially towards everything "not baby". I would snap at my older children--not giving them time or grace to be themselves. Playfulness had flown out the window, and in it's place came a snarky, sleep-deprived woman who demanded silence, immediate obedience and the understanding of an adult.

Thankfully, I felt God's voice halt me in my tracks... and encourage me to stop taking myself and my feelings/emotions so seriously. Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I was cranky. So, what? It would pass. What wouldn't pass were my children's memories of these days. The hurt I was so carelessly inflicting as I cut them off in their excited sharing (not enough time!), as I shut down any inclination towards creative play (messy!), as I told them to laugh quietly (too loud!)... as I myself forgot to smile, and to laugh. I began laughing first at myself. I am a pretty funny thing, actually. And, really... the less sleep I get, the funnier I get. (Bumping into walls, putting socks in refrigerators, completely forgetting appointments THAT ARE WRITTEN ON THE CALENDER). Why not just laugh about it? As opposed to letting it all build and build until I explode all over my loved ones? This perspective helped me to find time for play with the kids... Car rides are now crazy times of silliness and sharing. Love it. It helps me to stop what I'm doing and listen--with corresponding facial expressions..!

So, playfulness and engaging has returned. But, I now struggle with the HOUSEWORK. I don't naturally adore housework. It doesn't really fulfill me. BUT. I do enjoy a clean, organized house. And, I do feel intense pressure to keep it that way. I feel that weight each night as I go to bed, surrounded by piles of clothing and projects that are half-started. I feel embarrassed--imagining someone popping in: "They will think I do nothing all day!"

I also began feeling the crushing pressure yesterday, as the kids and I began decorating the house. I began feeling that our decorating wasn't that great and picking things apart. And, then I stopped.

You know what?? WHO CARES? Who cares if these decorations are the ones we've been recycling the last several years? Who cares if they aren't placed in the most perfect way? I then began to feel the need to rebel against the weight... What if---I didn't spend another cent on decorations? What if I just let it be?

I began thinking about what REALLY matters to me. What I REALLY want my kiddos to learn as they grow.

And, here it is... (incomplete... but here):
--I want them to learn creativity and imaginative play. Which, in my world, means allowing messy. Allowing paper scraps, allowing blanket forts, allowing digging in the dirt.

--I want them to learn helpfulness and how to work. Which, in my world, means allowing them into MY space. Not shutting out offers of helping me cook dinner, fold laundry, sweep the floor, organize a drawer. EVEN WHEN I WANT TO. Even when it takes 10 times longer with them "helping".

--I want them to learn responsibility and family cooperation. Which, I my world, requires leaving certain things undone... so that they will do them. (like: Their bed). It requires me to be more organized and to think about what they are capable of doing... and it requires me to HOLD THEM to it! It requires that I hold myself back from doing things that they can and should be doing (cleaning up after themselves, helping out).

--I want them to feel the home is their home. Which, in my world, means displaying their projects their artwork... and even (gasp) letting them lend a hand in decorating it (and even leaving it the way they did it!). I don't want them to learn, "Hands off, the only one whose creativity counts is momma's." I want them to learn to dream, create--and to do so cooperatively. I want my home to reflect the people who live there--not a snapshot from a magazine.

--I want them to learn respect and kindness. Which requires that I am tuned into how they play, how they interact, and how they respond.

--I want them to learn about God, and His plan for them and how He is a part of everything in our lives. This means I need to both plan ahead for teaching times... and take the time for spontaneous teaching times. I need to utilize different ways of getting the message across--whether through conversation, games, crafts... which all takes time.

What do you think? Do you notice what is glaringly absent from the list? "I want them to learn that the only good home is a clean, model home ". Not even there!

Also, this list was a huge reality check. ALL of them require time, flexibility, time, connection, engagement, time, follow-up and a sort of open-handedness. And, time. Which means... none of these priorities spell "Clean, magazine-worthy house".

All of this is not to say, "Don't stop by my house. Is a toxic landfill." (Hopefully not!) ;) Nope. It's just a reminder to me that if that list above is really a reflection of some of my top priorities for my kids... Then, that's the list I should be running through my mind as I lie in my bed at night. I need to allow myself to feel the joy of the deep conversation about God that my son had with me, or the compassion I saw displayed by my daughter, or the laughter shared by all at dinner. These are my standards. These are what matter to me.

What about you? Are you able to just focus on your family's priorities... and let all the other crazy expectations run out the door and bother someone else? ;)

Sunday, September 28, 2014

a woman and her pies.

A little over a month ago, a dear friend sent me a message on Facebook. She wrote: "Did you see what I wrote about the pies?" I thought maybe she had written me by accident, but I went to check it out. I found a post commenting on the amazing, mouth-watering pie she had baked for her daughter (I mean--doesn't just looking at this picture make you drool??). :)


As I went to comment that it looked very delicious, I saw this friend had typed: "Fresh peach pie to highest bidder next. Cash goes to Texas for Rey and Liz Sanchez and their little baby girl soon to be born. Peaches coming Aug. 21. Let the bidding begin. P.S. let's make it the top two bidders and you can bid until Aug. 20th. Let's have fun!."  Tears sprang to my eyes-- what??! How sweet was that? 

I thanked her, and then Rey and I just marveled together at this gesture of love and kindness. You see, that's all this friend (and her lovely family) have shown us. Back even before there was an "us", a "Rey and Liz Incorporated", she believed in us. She encouraged Rey to pursue me, and giggled with me over "Rey tidbits" at her kitchen table during our long-distance dating. She prayed for us and often served as a conduit of information for us. She would vouch for Rey's character when I was unsure... and pass along to Rey whatever giddiness I may have "happened" to share with her. She insisted we call her "Grandma" and invited us to many family functions; they even let Rey live with them on 2 separate occasions.

For our wedding that took place in the U.S... she and her husband stood in for Rey's parents, since they couldn't make it. I don't just mean they stood up at the wedding. Nope. She went with me to check out the wedding venue and give her perspective on it. They also found the perfect spot for our rehearsal dinner and footed the bill.

When we lived in Mexico, she didn't forget to send us birthday cards and holiday greetings. She even sent gifts for the kids. They often supported us when we were on the mission field. One Christmas, she actually told her family that she and her husband had all they needed, so to send whatever they would've spend on gifts to us! Who does that??

All these memories and more came flooding back to Rey and I as we shook our heads at how she--yet again--had thought of another way to bless us.

A month or so went by, and I had pretty much forgotten about the pie comment, since we had heard no further details. One day, an unexpected bill arrived in the mail. By this point, we were living off of what Rey could earn working part time at a car wash, and the bill was much larger than we could afford. I walked to the mail box the next day, hoping no more surprise bills were waiting and wondering what we should do about the one that had arrived. 

What I instead found was a note from a person who I didn't know... with a check for a little more than what the bill had been... stating they had ordered some delicious pies from our friend and this financial gift was because of those pies. The sender included some sweet words of encouragement as well. Can you say amazing??


I called our friend first thing the next morning, and we exclaimed together over this amazing event-- she said she called things like that "pennies from heaven" and was just as ecstatic over it as I was. I thought this check was from the "winner of the auction"--as detailed on the Facebook comment. But, then... our friend told us that news of her pies was spreading like wildfire and orders were pouring in.

I asked, "What??! I thought it was just the one pie! How many pies have you sent out so far?"

She counted them up. Twelve. "And, with each pie, I send an enveloped pre-addressed to you guys with a note saying they can send however much they like." We were dumbfounded. 12 pies? And, she had more orders coming in.



She made so many pies, she ran out of peaches and had to switch to apples. I think she made 23 pies total. And, more checks kept arriving in our mailbox. Most from people we'd never met. Many with sweet notes of encouragement. Each check caused me to envision those dear hands preparing the fruit, slicing it, rolling out the dough, watching to make sure the pie was baked to perfection. Bringing more tears to our eyes. A true, complete labor of love.



In the end, our friend's pies (along with their own generosity) brought us over $1300. Overwhelming. And, honestly. When we needed it most. The last check arrived September 8. Rey was hired September 19. How fun it was to share the joy with her!

There are many things about our friend that are note-worthy. That are imitable. In this particular instance, I loved that she didn't just see a need and try to fill it herself. She found a way to pull in her community around her to help us also--and I think that is extra special. God has placed amazing people in our lives like this one. I always try to absorb as much from them as I can, pass on what they have been to us to others. To learn how to truly give and love as they do. It is truly humbling. Our people are our biggest blessing.

Why do I share this woman with you all? I don't share her name because I know she didn't do it for fame. Those who know her already know all that I am writing... and more! I write it because each of us are daily confronted with needs around us. It can seem so hard to know what to do. Maybe we don't feel we have anything that could help.


Maybe we don't. But, maybe. Just maybe, we could bake a pie. Or... 23. And be just what it takes to get a family through a rough spot.

Grateful! 



"Love you, grandma & grandpa!" 


**Several photos used with permission from Everyday Charming. She snapped these pictures of our friend-- because our "pie lady" happens to be her grandma! Check her out--she's super talented!**





Saturday, September 13, 2014

thoughts on birth

Been thinking lately about the obvious: birth! But, more specifically in the words Jesus said to Nicodemus: "You must be born again."

I think one of the things that shocked me the most about birth the first time around was how brutal it was. I don't mean the pain--I knew to expect that to be awful. But, I guess I imagined the moment the baby left my body would be one of exhilaration and an overwhelming sense of life... When, really... it felt like a shock, a severance, a loss, a lightening... The separation of the child's body from my own literally caused my body to jolt from the parting. I didn't imagine that.

So, I've been thinking about Jesus' use of the analogy of being born when talking about being a part of God's kingdom. I think in reading that passage before, I would think about it in reference to "new life"... but not the actual process of birth. I thought of other analogies Jesus could have chosen: "Think of it as joining a club" or "You must apply yourself, like at school, if you want to get good grades" or "There is a member's fee". But, no. He chose birth.

I think it is because... not only does entering God's kingdom mean you are entering  into a new life.... but also, entering God's kingdom--being born again--is often, to us, a brutal process.

When I truly am in God's kingdom, there will be times that it feels brutal. That I feel the shock of separation from my old way of thinking, a lightening from what used to matter to me, a severance from the things that used to control my decisions and my outlook.

Birth is a one-time thing... but living as one born-again is an on-going one. This is where physical and spiritual birth are different. As those born to God, we have the choice to return to how we were. To re-assume the old identities, to return to being owned by the earthly. Being born into God's kingdom is one-time... and it is also daily. A birth that requires dying... new life that bids farewell to the old. Kingdom-living gets its rhythm from the nudges of sanctification, truth and sacrifice.

I think about the process it takes for a woman to get to the point of birth-- the gradual building of anticipation, the aches the pains, the swelling... until, all that woman longs for is birth. I think it's the same for us... That getting to the place where we actually desire to be reborn, to be alive in God, to let go, is often a process. A gradual intensifying of need and desperation, until... finally... we can't do anything more than bow our knee to God and say: "I am ready. Have your way in me."

Birth is brutal. It is full of the unknown and of risk. But, it is also beautiful and unlike anything else on earth. It is life-changing, life-beginning, and life-renewing. Birth creates families, unites communities and inspires joy.  So let us choose to yield to that which God desires to birth in us, and release into His hands that which must not remain... true life comes only through this!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

weary and worn?


I clicked on this song to listen to this morning while getting ready for the morning... and soon found I could do nothing more than sit and weep as the words soaked in. So, so beautiful. At His feet, drinking from His portion-- it's where I long to be, it's all I need to sustain me. His peace envelops; He restores, pursues, loves! Leaning into Him... I think I will be replaying this song every day this week as I learn to lean on Him, surrender to Him, seek Him, more and more.

Friday, August 29, 2014

blessedness... and inheritance



So, the outline of thoughts for this post has been in my "drafts" pile since the end of June... but, the months between then and now have only caused my then thoughts to become more cemented, so I will finally try to flesh out yet another part of what God has been teaching me during the last weeks.

These thoughts first got put into motion when a friend posted this article on Facebook, "The One Thing Christians Should Stop Saying". Have you read it yet?? It basically questions our use of the word "blessed"... and asks us to reconsider what blessedness truly looks like.

The author's use of the Sermon on the Mount to illustrate what Jesus called "blessedness" stuck with me and made me want to dive deeper into my understanding of just what a blessed life looks like--a truly blessed life. Not just a "I Have Everything" life, or a "I've Got it all Together" life that we can all find ourselves working so hard to obtain.

I've heard the "Beatitudes" many times throughout my life, and--as often happens with much-heard things--the words can flow by without the mind being engaged. So, this time I began to look at it with a different version of the Bible (The Message).

I found that:

I am blessed when...
--I am at the end of my rope. With less of me there is more of GOD and his rule.
--I feel like I've lost what is most dear to me. Only then can I be embraced by the One who is most dear.
--I am CONTENT with who I am--no more and no less. That's when I find myself the joyful owner of everything that cannot be bought.
--I am hungry for God. Then HE is my food and drink.
--I show mercy. Then I will find myself receiving mercy.
--I get my inside world--mind & heart--put right. Then I can see God in my outside world.
--I make and/or bring peace... Instead of competing. That's when I will find my place in God's family.
--My commitment to God draws persecution. That persecution will drive me close to God.
--People insult me or lie about me to discredit God... because it is God's truth that is making them uncomfortable.

Did you see that? None of the blessings are material things, or desires granted, or generally any other thing we often call a "blessing" in our lives.Of the evidences of blessedness... 3 are states of heart-being or character. 4 are actions that should be our recognizable mode of living. Only 1 speaks of the blessedness of something received--and that something received is persecution.

BE:
Poor in spirit, spiritually needy, at the end of your rope, humble.
Meek, mild, patient, long-suffering, content.
Pure of heart, clean, unified, honest, sincere, genuine
RECEIVE:
God's Kingdom
The earth
Eyes to see God.

ACTIONS:
Seek righteousness, hunger for God
Give mercy
Make/Bring peace
Mourn
RECEIVE:
Fullness
Mercy
A place in God's family
Comfort

Our blessings received flow as the consequence of our state of heart and our way of action-choosing, not because we've put a quarter in the gumball machine and got what we wanted. And, the blessings are the things that draw us closer to God and His kingdom.

I don't know about you, but these thoughts have caused me to re-examine the things I think of as blessings... I am learning not to yearn after things that seem that they would be blessings, and to find myself being blessed in the in-between.

I also am analyzing the way I process scripture in light of this. I am trying to process things in less of a "do this so you can get this" way... and just process it in a "do this because in and of itself it IS a blessing." For example, the scripture: "Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you." Maybe it's just me, but my selfish brain reads that like "Do this to get that", or "If you want something from God, focus on God-stuff for a while." For now, I like to just focus on, "Seek first the kingdom of God"... and just relish the blessing that seeking Him IS, in and of itself. For me, it's a mental exercise of seeking to love God for who He IS, follow him because He KNOWS the way, and seek Him because He is all I NEED... with the hope that I can unlearn the practices of the spoiled child: Being cute and sweet only when I want something.

During the processing of this, our pastor at church read a passage that I realized I had been reading all wrong before as well:

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints" (Eph. 1:18)

For some reason, my process had been, "I pray your eyes are opened to all the riches you have as a child of God's." And, I think that is partially what it's saying. But, with my new way of reading... Where before I might have thought "The blessing in this passage is the riches"... this time, I read it as "The richness is found in the saints". Or, our inheritance as God's children is in the saints--or it is the saints. Meaning, our inheritance--our riches--is the family of people God has placed us in when we became one of His own. The NLT writes it this way: " I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope He has given to those He called--His holy people who are His rich and glorious inheritance."

This really resonated with me. I truly believe that God wants me to see the spiritual family He has placed me in as my inheritance, as my riches, and His great blessing to me. If I truly believed that each person in His family was a direct gift from God to me... would I not treat them differently, give them the honor they're due, respect them and cherish them? Resolve to unite with and uphold them, and discourage competition and gossip?

It makes so much sense to me that the God who sees meekness, humility and spiritual hunger as evidences of a blessed life... would see surrounding that blessed person in a beautiful community of His cherished children as the greatest inheritance He could bestow. Because--you know what?? This "version" of blessedness works in any country, in any culture, at any time in history, in any economic or class level. That's why I believe it reflects God's heart--because He is not an exclusionary God, and His values are eternal, spirit values... not shifting, earthly things! And, of course God's inheritance would be one of community and unity--since, in and of ourselves, we tend to want to be one-man-shows and show our independence--our solitary rightness, as opposed to deferential love!

Yearning to have my eyes see the true blessings around me--to be "a blessed"-- to value what God values... and to let the rest just be extras!

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

shiftings

So, as promised... Some of the lessons I feel God speaking to my heart during these last few days.

On Sunday, we walked into church and these words were being sung:


Already, my heart was ready for these words, because I was  feeling God's presence there... that He had things to say to me, and that our circumstances were to teach us more about Him and ourselves. 

I began to realize that I usually process those words like this: "God takes dust and turns it into something beautiful". Or, "There are hard/yucky times in life, but it will all be changed and we will have good times." Does that make sense? 

How about the "beauty from ashes" phrase? Applied to our situation, I may think: "Right now we are struggling, but if we hold on... we will have enough financially. We will be able to plan ahead. We will be happily ever after." 

Yes, I do believe that God answers prayers and that he has our family in his hand... but.

What if... part of the truth there is that God makes even the dust beautiful to me? What if he makes me find beauty in the ashes? In the mourning? In the struggle? What if the beauty isn't in escaping the pressure, but in embracing the pressure? What if the difference of a God-life is that we aren't always seeking just one more thing, but delighting in each season, each place? Truth is, we don't need God to be happy when things are going well. That's human nature. What is not human nature--what definitely requires the divine--is in learning to thrive and delight when there is no earthly reason you would.

As these thoughts were going through my mind, the song "The Wondrous Cross" was sang. Again, these words poured into my soul in a way I hadn't heard them before. I've heard/sang that song my whole life, and--to be honest--I didn't really connect the word "wondrous" with "cross". I interpreted it to mean, "The wonderful gift given to us through the cross"...but.

What if the cross itself is wondrous? What if the altar, the sacrifice itself is a thing of beauty?

I believe I am learning: Beauty is not when the ashes, the cross, is gone. God-life means He can show us the beauty in the ashes, in the sacrifice.

I have long heard the verse, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" spoken as if it were a "A + B = C" formula. I don't believe it is. I don't think God wants us to tell him what we want, and then grit our teeth and bear up until we get that thing. Consider this passage:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6) 

"Present" to me paints the picture of transferring the request from my hands to God's hands, laying my request on the altar. Here's a question I had never thought of before: Is my request truly on the altar if I define the answer? 

Another way to ask that question is, "Am I the one who truly knows how to define what good is? What beautiful is? What wonderful is?" I believe part of the process now is in letting God redefine for me all those things--what is good, what is beautiful... for me. Right now. Can I really say my situation right now, as it is, is beautiful? I think I am beginning to be able to say "yes" to that question.

Which brings me to that second part of the presenting your requests to God thing... 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)

See--that's supernatural. That--to me--is saying: "While your request is presented... while it's still there.... God's peace will be taking charge of your mind and heart... and it's not going to make any rational sense. But, that's how it's going to be." Isn't that cool?

It made me think of Paul and Silas, singing in... while bound in chains... in jail... probably facing death. I'd often heard that they were invoking the "power of praise" to bring a deliverance from their bondage. Perhaps. Or maybe it went something like this: "Hey, Silas... Let's talk to God about our situation." And then, once they'd presented their requests... maybe the Silas said, "Hey, Paul... It doesn't make sense but God has filled me with such peace and joy right now... let's sing about it!" Singing even when they didn't have their answer... and then their answer came. In this case, the answer was deliverance. But... they didn't know that when they were singing.  (Acts 16)

Which made me come to a realization about that "formula" verse some people like to use: "Delight + in God = you get what you want." And, I think you do, sometimes. But, I think sometimes... if we let him... God will change our wants and desires. He will gently turn our eyes to better things, soften our hearts to new things, expand our borders in ways we never imagined. Maybe he wants me to see the answer is not changing that thing I despise right now, but in letting it change me.

Yearning to become more and more alive to him-- to his beauty, his vision. Even in--or dare I say, especially in--the times of pressing and difficulty. Because... that is how he works. He sees beauty where no one else sees it... and he transforms it into a work of art.



Wednesday, July 30, 2014

what to say...

So, you may have that friend that is stuck in a really hard place, and things are just not going well.

Of course, you want to encourage her that it will be okay. That it has to get better at some point. That in the future, she will look back on this time with fondness. Maybe, you try to encourage her by comparing her situation with one that is worse: "Well, at least you're not experiencing this..." Or, you want to try to be 100%  practical, to kind of get her out of her funk: "The logical thing to do is..." Or, you try to suggest all kinds of things maybe she should/could be doing...

You get the point.

Can I tell you something? Sometimes all that is good.

And, sometimes, all she wants to hear is: "Ugh. That stinks so bad. I can't imagine being in your situation. You are doing an amazing job in the meantime. It has to be so hard."

Because, sometimes that friend is weary of smiling at all the platitudes. Maybe she's thinking, "You don't know that it will get better." Or, maybe comparing her situation to one that is "worse" feels really hurtful, as if you are dismissing the very real struggle she is facing.

So, sometimes. Don't give a pep talk. Don't say that cheerful, trite thing. Just empathize, just feel what she is feeling, and let her know you see her in the midst of that hard time... and let her know you are there. Even if it's just to listen to her, cry with her, pray for her. Because, often, nothing will strengthen her more.

Monday, July 21, 2014

yet, rejoice.

Letting these words sink in this morning...

"Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him...Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord... You have filled my heart with joy more than when the grain and new wine abound. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lordmake me dwell in safety."

...and then, going back to re-read the beginning of the chapter and realizing... These words were written from a hard place. From a "not-safe" place. From a time of lack, worry, persecution and distress. Yet, David says: "Praise. Trust. Be glad. Rest." 

And, so I shall!

(Habakkuk 3)
Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.



Yet. Even still.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

6-29-2014




Do I really believe that broken is better? Enough to submit to the breaking? To lean into it, trust it? To allow it to gentle me, expose me, refine me? To allow the process to happen in those I love? To give them the space and grace to be broken; the support and time for God to do what only He can do, in only the way He can?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

a secondary emotion

"The profound danger is that, as noted above, we start to think of feeling as weakness. With the exception of anger (which is a secondary emotion, one that only serves as a socially acceptable mask for many of the more difficult underlying emotions we feel), we are losing our tolerance for emotion and hence for vulnerability." -from "Daring Greatly"

Replaying these words in my head today, as anger reared its ugly head towards my husband and kiddos. In facing the underlying emotions, I can choose to free myself from anger. The emotions--feeling overwhelmed, at the end of my rope, frustrated, without roots, without ability to plan ahead, unprepared, questioning, tired, worried--coupled with the chronic lower back/pelvic pain that accompanies this part of my pregnancies... often leave me falling into the "unpleasant company" category.

Truth is, facing these things doesn't make them go away. I still don't know what to do, I still am in pain... But, perhaps what is sought here is honesty in expression of these feelings--not hiding them behind anger, which solves nothing and wounds many.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

6-25-2014

So, things haven't been going as planned. Or, even as hoped. In many ways--they are actually going better. But, one vital element is missing... and that element makes it harder to enjoy the rest. As we are at six months of living off of unemployment (thank GOD that it's available)... I have felt myself becoming brittle and dejected. It's easier to focus on the dead-ends going in many directions, than to rest in God's wisdom and see the beauty he gives us at each dawn.

Today, wasn't a bad day. We did fun things. We went out and came back. It was just me--I was bad. I was down and not the most fun to be around.

As we walked out for our nearly daily trip to the apartment pool (I may have been trudging)... I found the thoughts spooling themselves through my mind were not the most positive, and definitely not centered on the here and now. I scowled at the trash blowing around the apartment complex, shook my head at broken things that have laid unattended for too long... 

Then, I stopped. I asked God to focus my eye on his beauty instead of the obvious disappointments.  To help me embrace the moment, rather than sacrificing it on the alter of future worries. 

So, I took out my camera. And saw beauty, everywhere. 

It's there, in her confident smile... her pensive expression... her sun-bronzed skin. (Why is she so tall??)








It's there, in his boyish need to be silly and yell "Gotcha!".



 It's there, in the exuberance, and the laughter.

























I see it in their bodies--the strong muscles, the bright minds; the health and ability.







 


 Looking up, rather than down...











And this one... because.... what's more beautiful than an "Awkward Family Photo"?? Ha!! :)








Tuesday, May 20, 2014

5-20-2014

'Cuz he's sweet, and could see I needed some alone time.

Because I needed to read these words: "What we've been talking about isn't making our lives perfect. Instead, it's about learning to turn to Jesus when our hearts feel restless, to have the courage to be who He made us here and now no matter what, to cross the finish line into everything He has for us in eternity with a smile on our faces, knowing we ran well every step of the way." --You're Already Amazing, by Holley Gerth

Saturday, January 11, 2014

"Too Small to Ignore"

You know I love to share a good thing... and, this latest read is just that--GOOD!! :)

"Too Small to Ignore" is written by former president of Compassion, Wess Stafford. It has truly been one of the most amazing books I have read lately, revolutionizing the way I think about children, missions... and poverty! To be honest, when I first saw that a man that had worked for Compassion wrote a book about children--I thought, "This is going to be an obvious read: Sponsor kids."

Instead, the book takes you on an intimate journey through the Wess's life, from growing up in a primitive tribe in Southern Africa, to boarding school, to living in the US... He offers a valuable and unique perspictive on the things dear to his heart: namely children and poverty--or better said, children in poverty.

Although I am a person who loves children, and one who has lived in a third-world country... I was blown away by some of his insights, and it totally made me understand things even about Rey or about the culture I was living in while I was in Mexico.

The author is heart-broken that the church today does not see what a treasure children are NOW. He says too often we just kind of "put up" with childhood, bear with it until it's over: "When the child is grown they are a valuable asset to society"... keeping the child on the sidelines.... while Jesus--more than once--states that children are very important. Just as they are--being children.

Wess stresses that he believes the root of poverty is fatalism-- "I don't matter.There's nothing special about me." That was a profound thought to me, and bore true the longer I thought about it. Which, Wess says, is why the GOSPEL is the perfect antidote to poverty! "When a poor child comes to understand that God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, knows her name, that God cares deeply about her, that he knows how many hairs are on her head, that he etched the unique design of her fingerprints, that he gave her a unique and delightful way of laughing, and that he sent his own Son to die on the cross to save her, that leads to an epiphany that changes, everything. 'I guess I matter after all!' "

I took pages and pages of notes from his book, and I won't bore you with all the morsels (or spoil it for you)... But, here's a quote I loved: "A child may be born into poverty, but poverty is never born into the heart of the child." He spoke of giving up, of loosing the want to dream, as being the greatest poverty.

Also, Wess talks long about the many rich lessons and life-perspective he gained from growing up in his tightly-knit African tribe--many of which I want to try to weave into our way of family from now on.

I could seriously go on and on.. but, I won't. Just go get it! Oh--and as if it needs to get better--Wess asked that all author's royalties from the sales of his book be given back to Compassion International to further their work... so, it's really a win-win! :)