Pages

Sunday, June 29, 2014

6-29-2014




Do I really believe that broken is better? Enough to submit to the breaking? To lean into it, trust it? To allow it to gentle me, expose me, refine me? To allow the process to happen in those I love? To give them the space and grace to be broken; the support and time for God to do what only He can do, in only the way He can?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

a secondary emotion

"The profound danger is that, as noted above, we start to think of feeling as weakness. With the exception of anger (which is a secondary emotion, one that only serves as a socially acceptable mask for many of the more difficult underlying emotions we feel), we are losing our tolerance for emotion and hence for vulnerability." -from "Daring Greatly"

Replaying these words in my head today, as anger reared its ugly head towards my husband and kiddos. In facing the underlying emotions, I can choose to free myself from anger. The emotions--feeling overwhelmed, at the end of my rope, frustrated, without roots, without ability to plan ahead, unprepared, questioning, tired, worried--coupled with the chronic lower back/pelvic pain that accompanies this part of my pregnancies... often leave me falling into the "unpleasant company" category.

Truth is, facing these things doesn't make them go away. I still don't know what to do, I still am in pain... But, perhaps what is sought here is honesty in expression of these feelings--not hiding them behind anger, which solves nothing and wounds many.


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

6-25-2014

So, things haven't been going as planned. Or, even as hoped. In many ways--they are actually going better. But, one vital element is missing... and that element makes it harder to enjoy the rest. As we are at six months of living off of unemployment (thank GOD that it's available)... I have felt myself becoming brittle and dejected. It's easier to focus on the dead-ends going in many directions, than to rest in God's wisdom and see the beauty he gives us at each dawn.

Today, wasn't a bad day. We did fun things. We went out and came back. It was just me--I was bad. I was down and not the most fun to be around.

As we walked out for our nearly daily trip to the apartment pool (I may have been trudging)... I found the thoughts spooling themselves through my mind were not the most positive, and definitely not centered on the here and now. I scowled at the trash blowing around the apartment complex, shook my head at broken things that have laid unattended for too long... 

Then, I stopped. I asked God to focus my eye on his beauty instead of the obvious disappointments.  To help me embrace the moment, rather than sacrificing it on the alter of future worries. 

So, I took out my camera. And saw beauty, everywhere. 

It's there, in her confident smile... her pensive expression... her sun-bronzed skin. (Why is she so tall??)








It's there, in his boyish need to be silly and yell "Gotcha!".



 It's there, in the exuberance, and the laughter.

























I see it in their bodies--the strong muscles, the bright minds; the health and ability.







 


 Looking up, rather than down...











And this one... because.... what's more beautiful than an "Awkward Family Photo"?? Ha!! :)